Happy New Years

 Sorry I have been away for so long, as for usual things came up all at once that couldn't be avoided..

I have completed my studies at the start of this month  I am now officially a qualified fashion designer and technician. I received my certificate and academic record just last week I got full credits I really don't know how I survived until this point its still very surreal to me that my studies are officially over I still have no idea what I am going to be doing in the future let alone next year...

I had my interview with the arts academy in November and I can honestly say I am horrible at  answering interview questions... they liked my work very much they were fascinated by some of the pieces I had done but unfortunately I didn't get in.... I am okay about it I just wish they would tell you what you did wrong so you know how you could improve.. Ill definitely try again next year at least this time round I know what to expect during the interview.

during December I worked at retail store with B a guy friend I may have mentioned at one point or another. I can honestly say if I was to ever date a boy again it would most likely be him. he is literally the only boy I trust outside my immediate family. he is my best Friend we are always in constant contact with one another always striving to make the other laugh and we get along really well is what I am trying to say. I can see the possibility of us dating at one point or another in the future....

Christmas was intriguing My mum and I went dress shopping for Christmas day while we were doing that I found out I am actually now a size 8 AU/UK (US 6) instead of a 10AU/UK (US 8). my mum got really worried about it she kept mentioning it to all my relatives so I mostly spent my Christmas day reassuring my family that I am not on a diet or anorexic or over stressed/worked etc... the  most interesting thing about that day was hearing various members of my family sharing their thoughts on EDs and body image. I also found out one of my aunty is/was anorexic which didn't surprise me much other than that Christmas was enjoyable time even with all those questions flying around the dinner table.

As for new years eve I will be spending it with B for the most part and with my family for the other part.  which is truly is a good ending to a year full of ups and downs. That is pretty much all I have to say so I will take this opportunity before I go out to wish you all a happy new year~!!   stay safe and most immortally have fun where ever you are~!! lots of love Anna <3 see you all in the new year xx

Memories: How I met Ana

for as long as I can remember I have always had a bad relationship with food and how I see myself... 

I know I am not nor have I ever been physically fat or obsess but as far as this illness is concerned that is what I see each time I look in the mirror no matter what someone tells me it will not change what I see. 64kg/141.09lbs is classified as healthy weight for my height (165cm/5ft 4inches) but to me is a very big number.. I dislike the way I look no matter what any one will ever tell me that will never change unless I want it to no psychiatrist or rehab clinic can help me or anyone else unless they actually want the treatment themselves otherwise the minute they get out its straight back to what they were doing before.

As I said before it really does feel like I have had this ED since forever I cant really remember a time where I actually enjoyed eating food. I do know for sure that it started in primary school bullying is what urged me down this road. almost everyday from mid way through primary school up until the end of high school these "popular"girls and there friends would constantly point out little flaws to me. by the end of each day without fail I would go home and look at them in the mirror hoping they weren't as noticeable as they said they are.

the first thing I ever did when this first started was stop eating breakfast then went recess after that it was lunch as well all I would end up eating back then was dinner. when it came to dinner I would only eat a quarter of it and throw the rest in the bin when no one was looking. from then I would purposely take the long way home just to burn calories.during this time I would faint and get sick pretty regularly my parents thought I had anemia  and got me checked  by a doctor which came back negative  so they got me checked for iron deficiency as well the doctor ended up giving me iron tablets for awhile just to be sure.

most of my friends I am still in contact with from high school and primary school honestly think I don't eat that much they actually think I don't get hungry which is stupid I do get hungry I just choose not to eat as often as you do.

I started eating more regularly when I met my first boyfriend who turned out to be a complete jerk he did something which I am not really comfortable saying on here encase he or one of his friends reads this but it lead me back to this destructive cycle all over again. my former girlfriend's mum actually succeed in slowly getting me to eat more over the time I dated her daughter.

I don't really want to talk about her daughter right now this post is already pretty big but she definitely flicked that switch back on with her stupid dumb inconsiderate comments. she would repetitively tell me almost every time I would change in her front of her she pretty much broke that switch with those comments alone. I know its not her fault she herself has pretty low self esteem and she does have a mental illness that I stupidly ignored. I can honestly tell you I know how hard it is to be a single parent now, dating her was like taking care of a child. Her mood would change from angry to sad to cheerful in the space of a second. If she didn't get her way it would literally turn into a screaming match with me trying to get her to calm down which usually meant me giving in to her just so she would stop yelling.  I completely regret not realising the signs sooner I cant tell you how glad I am that it is over. I just wish she would stop spreading lies and gossip about me to the people I use to call friends just because she has nothing better to do with her time.

With that relationship I started off eating very little by the middle I was eating regularly and by the end I almost stopped completely. Now that I am free from that  I am trying to make sure I  do eat more than one meal a day even if its only really can be considered one meal broken into two. I really cant afford to not eat with my studies coming to an end very soon I am so close to being where I want to be in this world. I no longer wish to ruin this body beyond repair but I know I am not ready for treatment just yet I honestly don't know what I would do without anorexia in my life I like the feeling of control that comes with choosing not to eat...no matter how wrong that is.

Love Anna <3

(hopefully this does post as I am still away at this time )

Questions and Answers

 Okay so last month Karolin asked me a couple of questions so in this post I will attempt to answer her questions as best I can.

1) What do you eat?
That is a pretty hard question to answer what I eat changes from day to day. I don't have a set meal plan but generally I aim to eat less than 600-800cals a day.

Breakfast is usually the meal I skip due to the inability to eat at 6-6:30 in the morning but generally if I do eat something I usually eat:

-4 Weet Bix with skim milk
-or just a drink of green tea/coffee/hot chocolate/orange juice

Lunch is generally undefined for me it all depends on if I have breakfast or not but I generally eat one of these if I'm hungry:

-6 pack of sushi
-hot chocolate with a Greek yoghurt
- Hot chocolate or green tea or orange juice
- Small tub of Greek yoghurt 
-chicken with pasta salad
-salad
-sea food usually with brown rice
-cheese and tomato toasty with whole meal bread
-Dare double espresso
-fruit (an apple or orange or banana or blue berry's or strawberry's)
-tuna or salmon sandwich with whole meal bread  

Dinner is usually a surprise for me unless I'm cooking then yea everything is cool (when it is a surprise I generally just try and take a small portion of whatever is on offer)

-Chicken wrap
-Lean Chicken/fish/meat with green veggies
-Spaghetti Bolognese
-Stir fry (veggies with meat or noodles/brown rice)
- Potato bake
- Cauliflower and cheese sauce
- Roast meat & gravy with veggies
-Occasionally lasagna or chicken curry or take away (Chinese/Pizza/Nandos/Noodles box/fish and chips)

Generally I try to eat as healthy as I can, I usually only drink water these days as to before where I mostly drank soft drinks.

 2) What kind of workouts/exercise do you do?
I generally exercise 2 - 3 days a week these days as appose to before where I exercised every day except Sunday..

My usual workout routine consists of one or two of these:
30-60minutes of Dancing (longer when possible, use to be everyday but not possible at the moment)
1+ hours of brisk Walking each day (generally 1-2 hours every day without fail)
30-60 minute Jogging ever so often
30 - 60 Running/Walking down stairs every so often
20 - 40 minute Swimming on the rare occasion
30 - 60 minute Cycling on a stationary bike every so often

With two to four of these a day:
60 - 100 Star Jumps/Jumping Jacks twice a day
20 - 60 Modified Push Ups
50 - 100 Crunches twice a day
60 - 120 Skipping rope
40 - 60 Squats
20 - 40 Sit ups

I hope I have answered your questions alright, if you have any more questions feel free to ask :]
Lots of love,
                 Anna<3

Sorry Girls Going on a 6 week Hiatus

Hi girls, 

I'm sorry to say but for the next six weeks I won’t be on blogger at all, this is not something I wanted to do to you girls but I really do have to concentrate on one thing only at this time which is completing my Uni work to the best of my ability's.

(Start of Uni/school work rant, skip if you wish)

My deadlines are really stupid and twisted I have to have all my theory work (3.5 x 1200 word essays <.<) completed over the next four weeks. My practical work needs to be completed by November 22nd (day of fashion parade to be exact) at the latest (the real due date being 16th November). On top of all that I have exams and still have to turn up to classes that for some really stupid reasons are still running during my exams who the hell decided that? This is my final year of study, thank god :] 

Besides all that I have to write two more essays at 500 words each for my application to do Costume Design at the Arts Academy I may have mention to you girls ages ago..  update on the Arts Academy application I sent in last month, they accepted it :]. I currently have an interview the week after my exams so excited about it :D.

(end of Uni/School work rant)

I'm happy to announce that I am officially 60kg/132.27 lbs I am so close to my October goal of weighing less than 60kg/132.27 lbs by the start of November. I have went from 64kg down to 60kg in just over a month :] I'm quite happy with myself as you can see xD. I also officially went from a size 12au/10us/12uk/ to a 10au/8us/10uk in dresses/pants and not too sure about tops yet but still rather happy with myself :]

I will be making some posts up to post while I am away, so if you have any questions or suggestions about what those should be please don't hesitate to tell me because at this point my head is pretty much packed full of fashion info and that's about it. I literately have no ideas what to write about so please give me some ideas ^__^

That is all I really have to tell you I shall see you around the start of December hopefully with good news in regards to Uni and my application *fingers crossed*,

                                                                                        love always, Anna <3

 

  Comments Reply

@Karolin - Thanks for your support, I am currently answering your questions in a separate post as we speak so hopefully you won’t have to wait too much longer to see the answers to the questions you asked so long ago, sorry for the late reply ^__^  xx

@FlorD'morte - Don't worry about it, I understand what you meant to say anyway xD, thank you for your support and sorry for the late reply : ] xx

Hi girls,
spring is here in Australia, winter gone again for another year.

I've been invited to a party in November, my ex-girlfriend is going to be attending aswell and personally I want to look way better than her. which wouldn't take much as she is obese and I am not been a bitch by that she is 155cm tall and weighs 223kg/491.63lbs. When we were dating I sometimes went with her to her doctor appointments, her doctor was getting really desperate about her losing weight that's how bad it was getting... my ex never really took what the doctor was saying seriously.

She got really angry when I agreed with her doctor over her (I didn't call her fat or anything like that I just told her I was generally scared of losing her to health complications caused by her disorder) she couldn't understand why we were both worried about her weight. its funny thinking about it we were complete polar opposites she was short/fat and I was average height/"healthy" weight in comparison the one thing we both had in common was our eds she ate too much and I ate restrictively/too little.

but anyway I've strayed pretty far away from the point which is by November:

• I want to weight less than 60kg/132.27lbs
• I would like my waist to be smaller.
• I want to see a gap between my thighs
• I want to see my ribs fully again before home cooked Italian meals were introduced to me

In relation to my ex-girlfriend I never want to go back there ever. seriously she is the definition of  crazy ass Bitch. I've met some far from sane people in my life, out of all of them she is diffidently at the top of the ladder for crazy. I'll tell you the full story another time its way to big and complicated to put into words at the moment.

My Intake this week 

12th September

total intake - 394cals

burned - 28km run, 1488cals (over did it)

left over - minus 1590cals

13th September

total intake - 617cals

burned - 2 hour walk,722cals

left over - minus 105cals

14th September

total intake:867cals

burned:2 hour walk.722cals

left over:145cals

 

15th September

total intake:711cals

burned: 10km jog,722cals

left over:minus 11

16th September

total intake:765cals

burned:3 hour walk,1083cals

left over:minus 318cals

17th September

total intake:683cals

burned:2 hour jog,868cals

left over:minus 185cals

I have to say I am pretty surprised that there are 10 of you now, I never really thought when I started this that any one would ever sit down and read my ramblings, Thank you for all your support and your comments :]
                    lots of love,
                                    Anna<3

Drifting Far Away

I can't seem to concentrate today, I feel like I'm drifting far away... I attempted to do the work we were set to do in class today but really couldn't focus much on what we were doing in so De and myself packed up early not much just 15minutes before the end of class. I tried to my homework  when I got home but made way to many mistakes so Ill have to redo it tomorrow...

I'm beginning to suspect one of my uni friends has an ed she is tiny as hell she weighs way less than 30kg/66.13lbs... she told our group randomly last week that she needs to lose weight the other girls tried to tell her otherwise but she brushed it off and said it was for health reasons which is bull if she lost any more weight she would be nothing.There really is nothing anyone can do to change her views of herself our group has tried I just hope it doesn't end in the emergency ward... I suspect she thinking the same about me as well due to some things she said and asked me in private these last two weeks...

My Intake This week so far

Monday

Breakfast: 

Nothing

Lunch:

Double Dare coffee espresso-210cals

Dinner:

Home made spaghetti Bologna- 250cals

orange juice-110cals

total Intake:570cals

burned: 1hr walk-236cals

left over: 334cals

Tuesday

Breakfast

Nothing

Lunch:

Greek yoghurt- 123cals

Dinner:

2 x small tempura fish- 250cals

small portions of wedges-102cals

orange juice-110cals

total Intake:585cals

burned: 2 hr walk - 471cals

left over: 114cals

Edit:UPDATE rest of the week

Wednesday

total Intake - 852cals

burned - 10km jog,1157cals
3 hours dancing with mates: 837cals

left over: minus 1142

Thursday

total Intake - 608cals

burned - 40 minute jog,289cals
1 hour walk - 361cals

left over -  minus 42cals

Friday

Total intake - 345cals

burned - 1 hour jog,434cals

left over - minus 89cals

10th-11th September forgot to write down what I ate

 

Hope you all have a lovely week :]
                                           Lots of love,
                                                              Anna <3

kind of amused

I was sick last week so I didn't have the energy to go on here and make a post for you guys.

Today was an exhausting day I've never felt so tired in my life but it was a lovely day I enjoyed catching up with the girls.. I wasn't at uni most of last week so I missed a bunch of things but I think I'm up to speed with almost everything. which I thank my close freind De for :], she kept me up to speed with everything I missed last week so all I have to finish off is a portfolio for one of my lectures. I had around 600cals today and that's really there is to say about today :]

I find it amusing that someone out there has created a facebook account with the same name as this blog xD. I just want to say that's she's not me encase your wondering. I don't mind that she created an account with this name its just I want to make it clear we are two different people that's all[same goes for all the other facebook accounts/groups/pages/likes and any other website sharing this name]. I do have a fb account but that's under my real name, I wont give that away due to privacy issues but I do have an email account for this blog if you ever want to ask a question or talk :] which is ana_pandora@hotmail.com.au feel free to message me  sometime.

I will be making a body of posts for you guys in order to keep this blog afloat while I'm dealing with work and other things in my life.

Lots of Love,
                     Anna<3

Comment Replies

@QraZee: Sorry for the late reply, its good to meet another lover of rain ^__^, male friends are cool but female friends are easier to talk to about girl stuff xD

a little bit busy

Sorry I haven't been posting recently, I'm just a tad bit caught up in a lot things at the moment and don't really have the time to post as often as I once did.

 
I'm currently back at uni continuing my 2nd semester of fashion  design,  I'm in my 2nd year of study so its a bit hands on. The other second years and myself are still in the process of organising our fashion parade for the end of year. I don't know if I've mentioned it or not but our theme is "Punk Cabaret" (a combination of burlesque and punk) we have to design and construct 4 outfits which consists of one show stopper and 3 full outfits. On top of that we have to so a lot of organising which consists of fund raising, sorting out models, make up/hair, finding a place to have the parade. food/drinks, music/performers/lighting and staging/seating for the parade. We are about half way through sorting out most of these things we only have left music,catering, fund raising, models and make up/hair.

I'm also currently in the processes of applying to do costume design at one of two performing arts academy's in Australia which is keeping me on my toes. I have to construct a portfolio consisting of everything I've done over the last couple of years from garments to costumes to beading/jewellery pieces to millinery work and design processes I've gone through to create each piece. Along with two 500 word essays on why I would like to study costume design and the other one on my own opinion on costumes of a recent theatre production. If I get through all that I have to go in for a panel interview with two interviewers (I hate interviews <.<). I'm going up against at least 2000 other applicants there are only 10 places at most in this course >_< but it would be so much fun if they accept me :]

other than all this my ex girlfriend is giving me a lot of trouble at the moment but I wont go in to details all you really need to know is, she is not exactly mentally sound. Ill leave that conversation for another time because I don't have the time to go into detail about the whole relationship/break up but she has helped me to work out who my real friends are during all this bs and for that I am greatful for.

I have eaten about 500-600cals today worked most it off visiting my possible future career path today with my mate K. The art academy was holding an open day today so we both met up in the city and explored the canvas together, had a lot of fun the lectures and students are really nice and helpful ^__^.

That's pretty much everything, now to get back to my homework xD I just really wanted to let you know that I havent forgottern you guys I'm just a tad bit busy at the moment ill try and post at least once a week if not once every two weeks <3
 

 I hope you all had a good weekend~!!

               lots of love,

                                                                                                     Anna<3

I like the rain :]

Its official I have a cold <.<  I wanted to see Mika today but I cant because I now have a cold so no visit for me this week... which is okay, I wouldn't want her to get sicker because of me.. but my other Friend L gave her a kiss and a hug from me ^__^ just wish I could give it to her in person...

I spent yesterday playing video games and watching movies with my male Friend Ry he is such a sweetie, a rare gem of the male gender.. too bad he doesn't swing my way xD finished re-reading Harry potter and the philosopher stone after Ry went home chambers here I come ^__^.

I spent today out shopping with L it was nice catching up with her and hearing how Mika is, a little update on Mika she has lost almost all her hair due to the chemo but she is still as cheerful and bright as ever according to L which is good to hear :)  

My Intake

Tuesday

Breakfast:

nothing

Lunch:

small portion of four cheeses pasta- 92.1cals

Afternoon snack:

2 crackers with cheese- 120cals

Dinner:

chicken wrap-293cals

Total: 505cals

Burned:

just under 2hour walk-533cals

Left over: minus 28cals

Today

Breakfast:

nothing

Lunch:

nothing

Afternoon snack:

katsu chicken sushi-325cals

diet coke-ocals

Dinner:

chicken wrap-293cals

orange juice-110cals

Total:728cals

Burned:

2 hour walk-710cals

Left over:18cals

Comment Replies 

@S.- thanks for the suggestion, I do like cooking, I think they might like that ill have to suggest that to my parents next time :] xxx

Thanks for reading,

                       Lots of love Anna<3

Happier :)

Today was a lot more better than yesterday, I cringe thinking about the thoughts going through my head yesterday it was like a muddled blur of horribleness but I'm glad its out fluttering in the wind not distorting my mind.

I spent most of today helping my mum around the house, we talked a lot about a whole range of things from problems, news, my friends, life, gossip, opinions and past memories (mostly to do with my brother when he was younger). I love my mum she is one of the most funniest caring strongest ladies I know.. I love my dad too he is as stubborn as a mule and very blunt about things but I wouldn't want another dad for the world no matter how much we argue on things... ^__^

Most of the conversation with my mum was about my older brother moving out sometime later this year - early next year.. I miss him already.. He is my big brother and my best/closest Friend I'm going to miss our stupid, hyper, loud, cheerful, craziness we usually share when we hang out together and all our inside sibling only jokes and so much more.. but I knew this was going to happen eventually I just didn't realise how soon it would be... (oh and my mums not forcing him out this is my brother own decision encase that how its seems in print form)

My Intake

Breakfast:

half 2minute noodles-69.5cals

Lunch:

a quarter a hot chocolate-52.5cals

two oreo-120cals

Dinner:

Chips with some salad-213cals

half a small glass of coke-35cals

Dessert:

4 squares of chocolate-112cals

Total: 620cals

Burned:

cleaning- 732cals

Left over: minus 112cals

That's pretty much it other than I think I'm developing a cold again

thanks for reading,

                   lots of love Anna <3

Failure..(contains some bad thoughts)

 Today can only be described as a failure... I ate way too much fatty, greasy,sugary foods... my mum and dad offered to cook me lunch today I agreed to it.. they made me 2 beef burgers, 1 fried egg, a hand full of fried mushroom slices and 3 slices of baguette with butter... I really don't like eating fried food that often but I don't like wasting food either.. I ate everything but a baguette slice I felt really horrible after eating it all. to make matters worse I ended up binging on chocolate in the afternoon.. on top of that its that time of the month...to finish what can only be described as a  horrible day off my dad made me fried chicken and potatoes for dinner...I hate today, I hate this body so much, I hate being a girl, I hate cramps and I hate food.. I hate it all so much... I wont further this train of thought

I don't like talking negatively or about my ed, I hate voicing these thoughts to people I don't like making people feel sad... I like playing a facade of cheerfulness because then people aren't sad, I'm not the type of person who shows negative emotions no matter how I am feeling inside I will always strive to smile and act carefree no matter what I may be feeling.. but don't get me wrong most of the time I am a happy optimistic person its just when it gets too uncontrollable it turns into a facade of lies on the outside that not a lot of people that are close to me see through..

Moving on to a more positive note about my day.. I watched the movie Easy A today it really surprised me I thought it would be another typical high school film but it turned out to be actually worth watching. The parents are a right laugh. I love Olive, shes quite an intriguing girl. Miranda (and clique) kind of surprised me I've never seen religious extremists used as an enemy clique in a high school flick before xD  definitely a movie I recommend watching.

pleases excuse me for voicing these negative thoughts today, this time of the month really has a negative influence on my mood that and when I cant control what I'm eating.. so yea sorry for being a bit negative.. I wont post my intake today cause I don't want to think about the number of calories I ate today..

so thank you for reading, I hope you all had a much better day than me ^__^

 lots of love from Anna<3<3  

PS- I do like being a girl!, just not when its that time of the month <.<

Living in a Harry potter bubble

I pretty much spent Thursday and Friday in what can only be described as living in a Harry Potter bubble xD. I spent both those days reading and watching Harry Potter related things on the internet such as:

-J.K. Rowling and Trios speech from the UK premier (my freind and I fell asleep so we missed the final part of the primer)

-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2' Press Conference London (very entertaining)

Among other things (mugglenet, J.K.Rowling official site, etc...).I cant wait for pottermore to come out already :].

I spent Thursday afternoon reading Harry potter and the Philosopher stone, I plan to re-read all the books now that the film saga is over. Friday I finished watching BBC Robin Hood, the ending is so sad... and today I spent the morning playing Fallout 3 and then the afternoon watching Durarara!!. which to say the least is another crazy but interesting Anime with a very intriguing story and some funny overly exaggerated character to go along with it ^__^.

My Intake

Thursday

Breakfast:

2minute noodles chicken-278cals

Lunch:

nothing

Dinner:

 mask potatoes-111cals

orange juice-110cals

Total: 499cals

Burned:

just over a hour long run-710cals

Left over: minus 210cals

Friday

Breakfast:

2minute noodles chicken-

Lunch:

nothing

Dinner:

2 small chicken Kievs-

Total:399cals 

Burned:

light 2 hour walk-366csld

Left over: minus 33cals

Saturday

Breakfast:

weet bix and milk-364cals

Lunch:

 a Fuji apple-80cals

Afternoon snack:

2 Oreo biscuits-120cals

Dinner:

a chicken drumstick-140cals

2 hash browns-195cals

small glass of coke-70cals

Total: 969cals

Burned:

brisk 2 hour walk-710cals

Left over:259cals

thanks for reading,
                  lots of love Anna<3