for as long as I can remember I have always had a bad relationship with food and how I see myself...
I know I am not nor have I ever been physically fat or obsess but as far as this illness is concerned that is what I see each time I look in the mirror no matter what someone tells me it will not change what I see. 64kg/141.09lbs is classified as healthy weight for my height (165cm/5ft 4inches) but to me is a very big number.. I dislike the way I look no matter what any one will ever tell me that will never change unless I want it to no psychiatrist or rehab clinic can help me or anyone else unless they actually want the treatment themselves otherwise the minute they get out its straight back to what they were doing before.
As I said before it really does feel like I have had this ED since forever I cant really remember a time where I actually enjoyed eating food. I do know for sure that it started in primary school bullying is what urged me down this road. almost everyday from mid way through primary school up until the end of high school these "popular"girls and there friends would constantly point out little flaws to me. by the end of each day without fail I would go home and look at them in the mirror hoping they weren't as noticeable as they said they are.
the first thing I ever did when this first started was stop eating breakfast then went recess after that it was lunch as well all I would end up eating back then was dinner. when it came to dinner I would only eat a quarter of it and throw the rest in the bin when no one was looking. from then I would purposely take the long way home just to burn calories.during this time I would faint and get sick pretty regularly my parents thought I had anemia and got me checked by a doctor which came back negative so they got me checked for iron deficiency as well the doctor ended up giving me iron tablets for awhile just to be sure.
most of my friends I am still in contact with from high school and primary school honestly think I don't eat that much they actually think I don't get hungry which is stupid I do get hungry I just choose not to eat as often as you do.
I started eating more regularly when I met my first boyfriend who turned out to be a complete jerk he did something which I am not really comfortable saying on here encase he or one of his friends reads this but it lead me back to this destructive cycle all over again. my former girlfriend's mum actually succeed in slowly getting me to eat more over the time I dated her daughter.
I don't really want to talk about her daughter right now this post is already pretty big but she definitely flicked that switch back on with her stupid dumb inconsiderate comments. she would repetitively tell me almost every time I would change in her front of her she pretty much broke that switch with those comments alone. I know its not her fault she herself has pretty low self esteem and she does have a mental illness that I stupidly ignored. I can honestly tell you I know how hard it is to be a single parent now, dating her was like taking care of a child. Her mood would change from angry to sad to cheerful in the space of a second. If she didn't get her way it would literally turn into a screaming match with me trying to get her to calm down which usually meant me giving in to her just so she would stop yelling. I completely regret not realising the signs sooner I cant tell you how glad I am that it is over. I just wish she would stop spreading lies and gossip about me to the people I use to call friends just because she has nothing better to do with her time.
With that relationship I started off eating very little by the middle I was eating regularly and by the end I almost stopped completely. Now that I am free from that I am trying to make sure I do eat more than one meal a day even if its only really can be considered one meal broken into two. I really cant afford to not eat with my studies coming to an end very soon I am so close to being where I want to be in this world. I no longer wish to ruin this body beyond repair but I know I am not ready for treatment just yet I honestly don't know what I would do without anorexia in my life I like the feeling of control that comes with choosing not to eat...no matter how wrong that is.
Love Anna <3
(hopefully this does post as I am still away at this time )
