Australian Summers and odd Revelations

 Hi Girls,
Australian summers are so irritating I dislike this time of year so much. I know funny an Australian that hates summer but honestly if you lived in Australia from december till march/late April you would know why I hate it so much. the heat just takes away all your energy all you want to do is lie on the floor under the air-con and never get up. 

which is one of the reasons I haven't been on here at all this month its too hot to do anything but i am trying, the heat is just a bit much at times. I will post a intake and exercise post later on this week I have changed my routine a bit in hope of reaching a my new goal weight but ill talk to you about that later.

 

-Name's Have Been Changed-

I have noticed recently that my freind Hanna and I have a really odd habit of talking about eating disorders when we are together no matter what we may be doing we always end up talking about them at one point during conversation with one another its a strange thing we do when we are together... I dont really know what that says about us but its just a strange thing I just recently notice we do.

other than that there is not a lot I can think of I need to tell you other than I kissed B on the check last week and I don't know if I have made a mistake or not by doing that but he still texts me so I dont think I have made a complete fool of myself yet..

any ways good byes for now
~Love Anna.

Happy New Years

 Sorry I have been away for so long, as for usual things came up all at once that couldn't be avoided..

I have completed my studies at the start of this month  I am now officially a qualified fashion designer and technician. I received my certificate and academic record just last week I got full credits I really don't know how I survived until this point its still very surreal to me that my studies are officially over I still have no idea what I am going to be doing in the future let alone next year...

I had my interview with the arts academy in November and I can honestly say I am horrible at  answering interview questions... they liked my work very much they were fascinated by some of the pieces I had done but unfortunately I didn't get in.... I am okay about it I just wish they would tell you what you did wrong so you know how you could improve.. Ill definitely try again next year at least this time round I know what to expect during the interview.

during December I worked at retail store with B a guy friend I may have mentioned at one point or another. I can honestly say if I was to ever date a boy again it would most likely be him. he is literally the only boy I trust outside my immediate family. he is my best Friend we are always in constant contact with one another always striving to make the other laugh and we get along really well is what I am trying to say. I can see the possibility of us dating at one point or another in the future....

Christmas was intriguing My mum and I went dress shopping for Christmas day while we were doing that I found out I am actually now a size 8 AU/UK (US 6) instead of a 10AU/UK (US 8). my mum got really worried about it she kept mentioning it to all my relatives so I mostly spent my Christmas day reassuring my family that I am not on a diet or anorexic or over stressed/worked etc... the  most interesting thing about that day was hearing various members of my family sharing their thoughts on EDs and body image. I also found out one of my aunty is/was anorexic which didn't surprise me much other than that Christmas was enjoyable time even with all those questions flying around the dinner table.

As for new years eve I will be spending it with B for the most part and with my family for the other part.  which is truly is a good ending to a year full of ups and downs. That is pretty much all I have to say so I will take this opportunity before I go out to wish you all a happy new year~!!   stay safe and most immortally have fun where ever you are~!! lots of love Anna <3 see you all in the new year xx

Memories: How I met Ana

for as long as I can remember I have always had a bad relationship with food and how I see myself... 

I know I am not nor have I ever been physically fat or obsess but as far as this illness is concerned that is what I see each time I look in the mirror no matter what someone tells me it will not change what I see. 64kg/141.09lbs is classified as healthy weight for my height (165cm/5ft 4inches) but to me is a very big number.. I dislike the way I look no matter what any one will ever tell me that will never change unless I want it to no psychiatrist or rehab clinic can help me or anyone else unless they actually want the treatment themselves otherwise the minute they get out its straight back to what they were doing before.

As I said before it really does feel like I have had this ED since forever I cant really remember a time where I actually enjoyed eating food. I do know for sure that it started in primary school bullying is what urged me down this road. almost everyday from mid way through primary school up until the end of high school these "popular"girls and there friends would constantly point out little flaws to me. by the end of each day without fail I would go home and look at them in the mirror hoping they weren't as noticeable as they said they are.

the first thing I ever did when this first started was stop eating breakfast then went recess after that it was lunch as well all I would end up eating back then was dinner. when it came to dinner I would only eat a quarter of it and throw the rest in the bin when no one was looking. from then I would purposely take the long way home just to burn calories.during this time I would faint and get sick pretty regularly my parents thought I had anemia  and got me checked  by a doctor which came back negative  so they got me checked for iron deficiency as well the doctor ended up giving me iron tablets for awhile just to be sure.

most of my friends I am still in contact with from high school and primary school honestly think I don't eat that much they actually think I don't get hungry which is stupid I do get hungry I just choose not to eat as often as you do.

I started eating more regularly when I met my first boyfriend who turned out to be a complete jerk he did something which I am not really comfortable saying on here encase he or one of his friends reads this but it lead me back to this destructive cycle all over again. my former girlfriend's mum actually succeed in slowly getting me to eat more over the time I dated her daughter.

I don't really want to talk about her daughter right now this post is already pretty big but she definitely flicked that switch back on with her stupid dumb inconsiderate comments. she would repetitively tell me almost every time I would change in her front of her she pretty much broke that switch with those comments alone. I know its not her fault she herself has pretty low self esteem and she does have a mental illness that I stupidly ignored. I can honestly tell you I know how hard it is to be a single parent now, dating her was like taking care of a child. Her mood would change from angry to sad to cheerful in the space of a second. If she didn't get her way it would literally turn into a screaming match with me trying to get her to calm down which usually meant me giving in to her just so she would stop yelling.  I completely regret not realising the signs sooner I cant tell you how glad I am that it is over. I just wish she would stop spreading lies and gossip about me to the people I use to call friends just because she has nothing better to do with her time.

With that relationship I started off eating very little by the middle I was eating regularly and by the end I almost stopped completely. Now that I am free from that  I am trying to make sure I  do eat more than one meal a day even if its only really can be considered one meal broken into two. I really cant afford to not eat with my studies coming to an end very soon I am so close to being where I want to be in this world. I no longer wish to ruin this body beyond repair but I know I am not ready for treatment just yet I honestly don't know what I would do without anorexia in my life I like the feeling of control that comes with choosing not to eat...no matter how wrong that is.

Love Anna <3

(hopefully this does post as I am still away at this time )

Questions and Answers

 Okay so last month Karolin asked me a couple of questions so in this post I will attempt to answer her questions as best I can.

1) What do you eat?
That is a pretty hard question to answer what I eat changes from day to day. I don't have a set meal plan but generally I aim to eat less than 600-800cals a day.

Breakfast is usually the meal I skip due to the inability to eat at 6-6:30 in the morning but generally if I do eat something I usually eat:

-4 Weet Bix with skim milk
-or just a drink of green tea/coffee/hot chocolate/orange juice

Lunch is generally undefined for me it all depends on if I have breakfast or not but I generally eat one of these if I'm hungry:

-6 pack of sushi
-hot chocolate with a Greek yoghurt
- Hot chocolate or green tea or orange juice
- Small tub of Greek yoghurt 
-chicken with pasta salad
-salad
-sea food usually with brown rice
-cheese and tomato toasty with whole meal bread
-Dare double espresso
-fruit (an apple or orange or banana or blue berry's or strawberry's)
-tuna or salmon sandwich with whole meal bread  

Dinner is usually a surprise for me unless I'm cooking then yea everything is cool (when it is a surprise I generally just try and take a small portion of whatever is on offer)

-Chicken wrap
-Lean Chicken/fish/meat with green veggies
-Spaghetti Bolognese
-Stir fry (veggies with meat or noodles/brown rice)
- Potato bake
- Cauliflower and cheese sauce
- Roast meat & gravy with veggies
-Occasionally lasagna or chicken curry or take away (Chinese/Pizza/Nandos/Noodles box/fish and chips)

Generally I try to eat as healthy as I can, I usually only drink water these days as to before where I mostly drank soft drinks.

 2) What kind of workouts/exercise do you do?
I generally exercise 2 - 3 days a week these days as appose to before where I exercised every day except Sunday..

My usual workout routine consists of one or two of these:
30-60minutes of Dancing (longer when possible, use to be everyday but not possible at the moment)
1+ hours of brisk Walking each day (generally 1-2 hours every day without fail)
30-60 minute Jogging ever so often
30 - 60 Running/Walking down stairs every so often
20 - 40 minute Swimming on the rare occasion
30 - 60 minute Cycling on a stationary bike every so often

With two to four of these a day:
60 - 100 Star Jumps/Jumping Jacks twice a day
20 - 60 Modified Push Ups
50 - 100 Crunches twice a day
60 - 120 Skipping rope
40 - 60 Squats
20 - 40 Sit ups

I hope I have answered your questions alright, if you have any more questions feel free to ask :]
Lots of love,
                 Anna<3